By: Anak Agung Gde Putra Aditya Udayana
Karma Phala - “We don’t know when the Karma1 comes to our life. We just do what we want to do without realizing and knowing the Karma that we will receive tomorrow, Phala is never far from Karma they’ll always together because Phala is the result of Karma, we always look forward to the arrival of good Phala and never want to get bad Karma. Sacrifice and sincere devotion will meet good Karma Phala.”
My name is Made Sukreni, I lived in one of villages in Bangli regency, I have a husband his names Alit Mahardika and I also have two children they were Agus Suta 13th years old and Sista Mahayanti 14th years old. I was the youngest of two brothers in my family, I was the only one women in my family because my mother was passed away when I was young and now I and my little family lived with my father in his house because my father was too old and he couldn’t live alone, my oldest brother as if unwilling concerned with his own father whereas my father loved him so much, my oldest brother went away from my father when he was married, sometime I was tired to treated my father because he never considered me at all but I will never let him displaced, until this tragedy happened.
At that time the night was so dark, the wind blew strong, and there were dogs barked under the street lights, I was cleaning the living room it was so big and pretentious, there were many things in the living room such as old piano, big sofa, family pictures, and many unique pots, I cleaned the living room alone nobody helped me, I felt so tired and lonely my children were visited my husband’s father, my father was asleep in his bedroom, and my husband was working overtime, when I was cleaning the sofa my father shouted my oldest brother’s name very loud until I was surprised to hear his voice, directly I went to my father’s bedroom and knocked his door. Knock…knock…!! “Father, are you okay?” He didn’t answer I tried again, Knock…knock…knock…!! “Father what happened?” He still didn’t answer, so I tried opened his door without permission and the door opened, I saw my father was asleep with an uneasy expression on his face maybe he has bad dream, that time I was trying to made my father woke up by holding his hand gently, my father woke up but he slapped my face with harsh and he said “Why you waking me up?! You have ruined my chance to meet my soon!! Go away! I don’t want to see your face!!” that time I couldn’t say anything I just went out from my father’s bedroom with nothing in my head.
When I went out from my father’s bedroom with full of tear on my face, there was someone knocked on the door, he was my husband and my children, when they saw there was something wrong with me they directly hugged me and asked what happened to me at that time I couldn’t say anything I just felt so sad and nothing, my children cried when they saw me cried they didn’t know what just happened to me but they were still cried, I tried to be strong and I smiled for them as if there was nothing happened before, I asked them for entered the house and I prepared the dinner for them. After dinner, we prepared to sleep.
The night went to the morning the sun rises in the east irradiated Bangli green hills. I woke up in the morning then I saw from a distance the fog enveloped the hills, there were some wet leaves blown by the cool breeze, the air was so fresh and there were some bird chirped on the trees at the moment I forgot all the problems and the sadness that I have yesterday. As usually I started the day with cooked some food for my family, after prepared the food I woke my children up and prepared them for school, I also woke my husband up and he immediately prepared himself for work, after they ate the food my husband and my children went to the place where they must be, when my husband and my children went out my father woke up and he went to the kitchen, he looked at me with his hateful face I didn’t know what wrong with him he always looked at me with that disturbing expression, sometime I felt I was not his daughter but I tried to love him as well I loved my little family.
Time kept running, heard a trickle of water from the kitchen faucet, there was no a single word spoken by my father he just sat on the chair without saying anything I tried to serve him by prepared the food for his breakfast but he still cold and then I left him for did some housewife activities, when I did some housewife activities there was something fell down so I immediately headed there, at the time I saw my father was on the floor then I was shocked to saw that, immediately I helped him to stand up but he refused it by pushed my hands, he still couldn’t stand up till he fell again, had I think why still there was a man selfish like this, I tried to help him again and this time he disposed to get help, I sat him on the chair and I brought him a glass of water, he rejected it and the glass fell down, he said “Don’t you ever help me! I don’t need your help! Just go away!” once again there was weir of tear in my eyes so I went away from my father.
*Karma: Hinduism; the sum total of person’s actions (Wiktionary)
I went to the temple and I prey for the god, “God please help me, why my father couldn’t love me as well I love him so much? Why he always cold with me? What is my fault? Whether I’m not his daughter? Please answer my question!” I was prayed with full of tear on my face.
“Have you ever felt your family become your enemy, your love didn’t care about you, your god never give the justice to you, the world like want to kill you, and you felt so lonely? Nobody care about you, they just care about themselves. You want to run but you can’t run, you want to cry but your tear is going dry, you want to kill someone but you can’t, you wanted to kill yourself but nobody care about it. So what you gonna do?”
Time showed at 2 pm, that was time to me to picked my children up from school, after picking up my children I went to my father’s bedroom to cleaning up his bedroom, when I entered the room I saw my father passed out on the floor, directly I shouted for help, luckily someone heard my voice, he was my neighbor who wanted to borrow my motorcycle. “What happen with your father made?!” he asked frantically, “I don’t know what happen with him, when I arrived at home he was already passed out! Please help me to bring him to the hospital!” I answered frantically. When we arrived at the hospital my father directly got the treatment and I immediately call my husband and tell him everything that have been happening, my husband shocked to hear that and he went to the hospital quickly.
Time kept running there was no word from the doctor, I still in the hospital with my children and my husband, my neighbor had gone home, time showed at 10 pm but still there was no word from the doctor, finally at 11 pm the doctor came out from the ICU room and he said something for us. “We can help your father but still there are some complicated in his lungs until he couldn’t wake up right now, I sad to say this, your father has lungs cancer stadium 4”. When I heard that statement I just felt nothing, I didn’t feel sad or feel something I just felt nothing, nothing in my head, nothing in my heart. Then the doctor allowed us to entering the room and I saw my father was asleep with breathing apparatus on his mouth. I set on the chair beside him and I was holding his hands gently, hugged him warmly, until I felt asleep beside him.
In the morning I woke up with shocked because there was a movement of my father’s hand, immediately I called the doctor but my father holding my hand as if he want to say something important and he didn’t want to someone disturbed our conversation. He tried to discharge the breathing apparatus on his mouth and he started talking. “My lovely daughter please forgive all my mistakes that I have done before, I always make you sad and always make you cry, I don’t hate you and I don’t want to hurt, but every I saw you, you always remind me to your mother that I really hate, your mother leave us when you are baby, she married with someone who has everything and your older brother is not your real brother, he is your step brother, before I married with your mother I have a wife her name Gusti Ayu Ratna Sari, she is the woman who gave birth to your step brother and she was passed away because my mistake and now your brother really hate me because I was two-timing his mother and get married with your mother, now I really feel guilty to your brother, my mistake make him hated me so much. So right now if I stay alive I don’t want to make a mistake again. I’m sorry because couldn’t be a good father for you and your brother, I hope you forgive all the mistakes that I have done before and instead I’ll give you all the inheritance that I have to you. If you saw your brother in my burial, please tell him that I love him so much. Now I can leave you with peace” My father’s heart stopped beating, he was passed away that time. That was the last words that my father said to me, I cried so loudly and couldn’t say anything, my children and my husband also cried that time. The sunny morning turned into the gloomy morning.
Today, it was the time for my father to be cremated, saw from a distance there was a man wearing black clothes behind the tree he was my step brother, I tried to approach him and we made little conversation, I told him everything like my father desired to me suddenly my step brother cried and he couldn’t say anything for the last words that I said to him. “He was our father”